The Corresponding Pitfalls of Turkeys and Apartments

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Since it’s coming up on Thanksgiving, I’d like to talk a little bit about cooking a turkey. Many of us only cook a turkey once a year or once every few years. It’s one of those things that we do so infrequently that we forget how to do it properly. If we don’t take the time to refresh ourselves, it can turn into a stressful near disaster. It’s the same thing with apartment hunting. So I’ve made this little chart that explains how turkey cooking can be like apartment hunting. I hope you like it.

Turkey Cooking Apartment Hunting
Begin thawing turkey in refrigerator. Begin apartment hunt.
Realize that it’s Thanksgiving morning and it takes 24 hours to thaw every four to five pounds of turkey. This turkey is 12 pounds. Realize that your lease expires in a month and it could probably take six weeks of viewing apartments to find one that’s right for you.
Thaw turkey in cold water. Not having a watertight bag large enough for the bird, wrap it in an entire roll of plastic wrap. Not having a plan of what new sites have launched since last time, schedule showings using any apartment-related site you can find.

Change the water every 30 minutes to make sure of safe thawing. This constantly interrupts your preparation of mashed potatoes, etc., for the next six hours. Go on an apartment tour every time you have a free hour or two. This constantly interrupts your life for the next few weeks.
Wash the turkey. Turkey is heavy and slippery, and you drop it in the sink into a pan filled with soapy water that you put in there earlier. Wash off the soap and hope no one will taste the bitterness. Realize that you’ve scheduled too many showings and accidentally miss a few of them. Call and apologize and hope that no one will hate you.
Realize as you’re rinsing out the inside that you’ve forgotten to remove the giblets. Fish out the nasty soggy bag and get totally grossed out. Wash your hands in really hot water. Pat the turkey dry with paper towels. As you’re checking the water pressure on one of these showings, see a nasty bug come out of the tub drain. Get totally grossed out and take a hot shower when you get home.
Brush the outside of the turkey with butter and season. Constantly check the outside of buildings for For Rent signs.
Realize that you don’t know what to put in the turkey cavity. You read somewhere that often stuffing won’t cook through and could give your guests food poisoning. Throw some lemon wedges and garlic cloves in there and maybe a few bay leaves, some rosemary, and a half stick of butter. Realize that you don’t really know what features you want in your next apartment. Make a quick list and hope that most of them are offered.
Frantically scan internet recipes for proper cooking temperature. They all say something different! Decide on 350 because that seems to be the temperature people cook everything. After seeing a few acceptable apartments, frantically scan internet sites like Yelp for property management company reviews. Each review says something different! Decide on the one with the most reviews.
The bottom of your oven is filled with burnt melted cheese because of the frozen pizza you made last weekend. Your smoke detector starts beeping. Open the windows and scrape off as much cheese as you can. Realize that the blackening around the outside of the windows on this management company’s building probably indicates that there has been a fire there. Change your mind and see more apartments.
Put the turkey in the roasting pan. Realize that you don’t have a v-shaped rack to prevent the turkey from sitting in its own juices and getting soggy on the bottom. Improvise using racks you usually use for cooling chocolate chip cookies. Apply for a few different apartments because you only have a week left on your lease. Realize that you don’t have the budget to pay all of the application fees. Skip meals for a few days.
Check turkey’s temperature using oven thermometer. Guests have eaten all the appetizers and are milling around the kitchen. Thermometer reads 145 and needs to read 160. Also, outside appears grayish and unappetizing. Rub some more butter on and increase the temperature up to 450 for the next twenty minutes. You go back for a second showing and the apartment is less than ideal-looking. Beg the landlord to paint and clean quickly.
Turkey has turned an acceptable color and temperature. Remove turkey from oven. Your improvised rack system collapses and turkey falls on its side with a loud thump. Everyone looks at you like you don’t what you’re doing. Return the bird to the upright position. Try to schedule a lease signing. The landlord is not available in the few windows of time you have left and looks at you like you don’t know what you’re doing. After much drama, settle on a time and place.
Set the turkey on the serving plate. Get out your electric carving knife. Discover that this knife no longer works. Use a serrated bread knife instead. A few days before your lease expires, go to the landlords office and sign the new lease. Realize that the pen you brought is out of ink. Grab another pen and sign.
Serve your family and friends. Eat. Convince your family and friends to help you move. Move.
Resolve to do better next year. Resolve to do better next year.
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Published by

Jon Hoferle

Jon Hoferle was one of the two founders of RentConfident from 2015-16, serving as content creator and CFO. He has been involved in the Chicago rental industry for over a decade.